autumn sunset

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autumn sunset - reflections in a broken bicycle mirror autumn sunset - a late butterfly hurries from flower to flower (Dedicated to an OLD friend, who is still chasing the girls ...)

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Firts version:

autumn sunset -
reflections in a broken
mirror


A friend suggested these first two lines

sunset
in a broken mirror


but this states something different from what I was trying to show the reader.


the general scene and mood is
............................. autumn sunset -

(I hope you can see the cut at the end of the line 1.) but then we have

reflections (of something xyz not stated ) in a broken
mirror


xyz could be ... my wrinkled face
(I make this up, it was not what I saw )


In my experience, XYZ was a raven hanging upside down over the almost ripe yellow rice fields. Someone must have broken a bicycle mirror or something by the roadside ...


That would be too much to tell in the haiku.
I wanted the reader to find out for him/herself what can be reflected in a broken mirror in his own life situation on an autumn evening ...


Still, I make it "bicycle mirror" to give you a lead ...

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More comments

nice moment to capture here ... i find the lines a little well used ..
I do like the moment you are reaching for

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Gabi, the first one is nice, but I LOVE your second one.

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Your second version is very nice haiku , Gabi san
I agree ,,, the "bicycle" added clarity and depth to the poem...

..... .....

autumn sunset -
reflections in a broken
bicycle mirror

maybe state simply:

pieces of mirror
reflect upside down --
a crow above ripe rice

Gabi san, I tried to put it all into that tight HAIKU sack...

pieces of mirror (imply a broken mirror)
reflect upside down -- (general characteristics of a reflection)
a crow above ripe rice (what you actually saw... ripening rice is too long so I fudged a little time with the kigo "ripe rice")


I see this from your explanation, but, the HAIKU may need or needs a tweak... probably less is more?

I left off "bicycle" as this is speculation... but that's just my take.

Also:

rippening rice -- (kigo)
a raven's image
in pieces of mirror

rippening rice --
an upside down raven
in a piece of mirror

Well... I could tweak more... but why have all the fun... LOVE this scene, Gabi san, reminds me of walking with Etsuko san at Gakurakuan along the country roadside in the afternoon... or was that morning?

keigu

.. Whow, Chibi san, you have been brainstorming !

I guess my story leads toward a haibun, to explain it all properly ... and then continues with the dead wild boar piglings (how do you call them in English? uribo) they hang them upside down too, one on each corner of the paddy, to hope the smell will scare other boars off from stealing the rice ... that is rural japan, before the advent of electric fencing ... and even with it, right here ...

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very interesting how you wrote the word longer!

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Read my SUNSET Haiku



Read my Haiku Archives 2007


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