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unkai 雲海 our sea of clouds
winter sunrise ...
the sea of clouds
turns sea of light
winter sunshine -
the crows wings turn
silver
winter sunshine -
the slow growth of a stone's
shadow
この石の陰の長さや冬ひさし
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I have seen quite a few spectacular winter mornings here,
but this one shines above all of them.
And a leisurely day today with more haiku ...
More SHADOWS the next day ... LOOK !
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28 comments:
Very nice Gabi.
Winter clouds can be so dreary, to have the sun hit them right and make them shine brilliant is like the harolding of angels, rays of hope. The phrasing of the last 2 lines is addicting to say with the repeating rhythm sea of clouds and sea of light and all the "S" alliterations.
I suppose to work more grammatically maybe change "turns" to 'becomes a' but I like it as is. I want to say "turns sea" like one word without a line pause between them and for some reason works easier for me grammatically. Although I like their rhythm they feel a little fragmented. What about L1 at the end for completion?
the sea of clouds
turns sea of light
winter sunrise
M.B.
I love the imagery, Gabi . . . especially since I'm not an early riser and RARELY see a sunrise.
Yes, I'd add a word or two and perhaps change the articles to make this sound 'right' to my grammatical ear.
winter sunrise ...
a sea of clouds turns
into a sea of light
You may be particularly fond of repeating 'sea', but I'd be trying it without the repetition, I think:
winter sunrise . . .
an ocean of clouds turns
into a sea of light
Or not! It's obviously up to you.
S.C.
"turns sea of light" easier to read, less jumping back and forth for reader, smoother transition, truer to the image
"the sea of clouds turns" collocates to a very different turn, unrelated to this image. the jump is too great, and there should not be any cut between turns and light
there already is a cut after sunrise, another cut just chops the image into too many bits turning a verse into a conundrum
I.
AHA, i could enjoy the warmth as well as the shade
vidur
winter sunshine -
the slow growth of
a stone's shadow
winter sunshine -
the shadow of this stone
grows slowly
Wonderful image, Gabi. I like version one best, but wonder if you could tweak your L2-3 line break:
winter sunshine -
the slow growth
of a stone's shadow
OR
winter sunshine -
the slow growth of a stone's
shadow
...which sort of resembles a growing shadow.
As always, I'm impressed with your fine work.
B.
from Origa
I like the series of your haiku there! :)
http://origa.livejournal.com/151040.html?view=12230400#t12230400
That's lovely.
Oh, this is breathtaking, Gabi!!
Well observed, Gabi san.
neko
nothing grows fast as you age Gabi,
H.G.M.
A lovely piece of work, Gabi.
J.O.
Nice image. I like S's suggestions too.
A couple thoughts myself:
winter sunrise ...
a sea of clouds become
an ocean of light
Moving sea to ocean gives a feel of expanision which as the sun rises I think would be there visually... the expansion of light. By choosing "ocean" as the second description for the "sea" you, as the haijin is recognizing that expansion.
.......... just a thought........
or a rearrangement of the lines--
the sea of clouds
turns into sea of light--
winter sunrise
L.
Lovely, lovely, Gabi!
D.C.
Iambic:)
MB.
I like the thought that some part of an inanimate object can be
growing, particularly a stone. Not sure you need to come out and
say winter sunshine since shadows suggests light and long shadows
suggests approching solstice. Maybe more implied like...
hands in my pockets
the slow growth
of a stones shadow
...or more set up for a stone's plant analogy...
beneath a bare tree
the slow growth
of a stones shadow
M.
Hi M,
Interesting comments, but if the poet wants to indicate winter, I think something needs to be said here; I'd not naturally assume it, otherwise...
D.
I took lengthening shadows as a winter kigo. But I suppose without the winter sunshine part it might then be interpreted as a
lengthening shadow from a sunset and not necessarity from approaching solstice.
M.
Yes... and actually, I don't know... though I'd think more of
late fall, with lengthening shadows, were I thinking season...
mostly I was inclined to think of it as approaching the end of the day... a big jump metaphorically in a little haiku, to assume then, that the season is winter... maybe Gabi can enlighten (reverse pun intended) us?
D.
Dear Friends,
it was a winter day all right and I was sitting on my veranda watching these shadows during daytime, not evening, as they grew longer.
It is simple shasei on my part.
GABI
winter sunrise ...
the sea of clouds
turns sea of light
This is indeed interesting Gabi.
I 've felt this "sea of clouds" many times, especially while taking a flight - but thought it was too poetic!
K.I.
the original pivots to me on the last line being contracted... so... I like the original.
Of course, I've seen that sea of clouds in the Okayama chain that surrounds GokuRakuAn... ah the memories of mornings.
cicada songs
swim through a sea
of clouds
Happy Holidays!
CHIBI
I like these both very much, Gabi...
however you decide to line them up!
L.C.
winter sunrise ...
the sea of clouds becomes
a sea of light
suggestion by L.
winter sunrise ...
the sea of clouds
truns into light
another suggestion
icecold morning ...
the sea of clouds
drowns my thoughts
GABI
It's goood for me to read the different approaches people have to writing haiku.
I like the new improved version with 'becomes'.
L.
'Icecold' is a double statement, isn't it? I mean, ice is never anything else but cold.
Cold morning or icy morning does it ok.
K.
Gabi, I think there's a particular magic in that first one, with the winter sunrise lighting the clouds.
L.
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